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  • Writer's pictureLouisville X-Press Staff

Dollar Tree Experiencing Existential Crises

"It's like, we based our whole identity around the value of a dollar, which is becoming basically worthless," sighed Dollar Tree CEO Michael A. Witynski during a board meeting. "And if one's identity is deemed objectively worthless, is anything we are actually worth anything?"

Dollar Tree?
A local "Dollar" Tree, whatever that means.

A few members of the board responded with a quiet but audible "whoa." With physical responses ranging from loosening of ties, rubbing of temples, and long exhales.

With the rising inflation and shipping costs, the current model of pricing everything in-store no more than a single dollar is proving unsustainable and price increases were recently announced, and with it, so many feels.

"Imagine devoting your whole career to a principle, we personified the value of a dollar to towns and cities across America. But we're about to show people what that's really worth." Witynski continued, "Kierkegaard posited that existential despair would arise when a world-view proved unable to adapt to extreme experiences. Well, colleagues, look in the mirror, our time has come."

It was around this time that the meeting stenographer proved unable to continue and left the room in tears.

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