Louisville X-Press Staff
Last Children on JCPS Bus Route Found Hungry, Feral, but Alive
"Their language skills had deteriorated to mostly grunts and growls, and many of them have been reported to have hunted and eaten their...
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Jul 31
Unnamed Congressman Now Claims UFO Reports Were Nothing, Humans Should Just Keep Warming Planet
The unidentified congressman claimed he just left a SCIF meeting where it was explained to him, in no uncertain terms, that all this...
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Jul 28
SAG-AFTRA Strike Limits Hasbro's Options to Developing Toy-Based Movie of Their Own
"No dialogue so no script, no actors, just two hours of dry little brownies getting burned!"
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Jul 23
In Ill Advised Move, Billionaire Corporate Executives Decide to Counterstrike
In a move that seems aimless and counterproductive (which makes more sense when you see who's doing it) executives across America have...
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Jul 12
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Jul 6
Owner of "Only Fans!" Big Box Store Seeing Little Success Despite Heavy Foot Traffic
"I get tons of visitors. I mean the men practically come in running, I've never seen such enthusiasm! Then they look around and just...
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Jul 6
"They Found What? Co...Cocaine? Gosh, What Even is That??" Asks Nervous White House Staffer
The young staffer, whom we saw coming out of a storage closet, spoke without prompting.
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Jun 20
More Fan Outrage When it Discovered Penis Snuck in Updated Little Mermaid Poster is also Black
"Enough with this snowflake, woke garbage! I only want to see white penises in my Disney movies!" said conservative movie goers everywhere.
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- May 24
Local Occultists Offer Novel Solution to Recent Series of Horse Deaths at Churchill Downs
"They'll race even more ferociously than before, will never tire, and don't need to be fed. The trainers, however, will need to learn...
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Mar 12
Oscar Predictions: Who's Getting Slapped This Year???
With so many big names on the stage this year, who do YOU think is going to assaulted on stage by a nominee/winner/sad?
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Feb 13
High Altitude Drone Patrols to Deter UFO Incursions in U.S. Airspace Underway
While this countermeasure is still experimental concerning use at high altitudes, it is currently widely used across the U.S. to protect...
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Feb 12
Season Finale of Hit Show "Football" Expected to Draw More Than 100 Million Viewers
Fans could expect one of two surprise outcomes to this season's arc. While a cliffhanger is unlikely, any number of twists and turns,...
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Feb 7
Doctor Asks Woman With 9-Inch Blade in Abdomen if She's 'Sure' It Not Just Her Period
"I have to ask," he assured her. "You'd be surprised how often these things are just cramps or gas."
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Feb 7
In Bold Move, Several Current Hit Shows Re-Cast Their Leads with Pedro Pascal
The move is expected to boost viewership by millions.
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Feb 4
Chinese Scientists Promise that 'Spy Balloon' Only Monitoring the Weather Over U.S. Nuclear Silos
The top scientists assured the U.S. government that the lab techs, and their families, responsible for allowing the balloon to be spotted...
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Sep 12, 2022
Horded Corgis Discovered by Family in Recently Deceased Grandmothers Residence
A family, who wished to remain anonymous, was undertaking the unpleasant task of cleaning out the home of the recently deceased matriarch...
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Sep 8, 2022
Monarchy To Receive Infusion of Youthful Exuberance and Fresh Ideas From Young New King
At the blissfully young of age 73, some in the upper echelons of British society wonder if the fresh faced King has attained the...
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Sep 2, 2022
Massive Number of Employees Call in Sick Friday Before Labor Day Sparking Public Health Concerns
"Just not feeling myself today, better play it safe," says Justin Wells. "Just looking out for my co-workers, gotta lookout for them, ya...
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Louisville X-Press Staff
- Aug 1, 2022
Lotto Players Everywhere Return to Work This Glorious Monday Morning
It was a week of wild imaginings, beautiful "what-if" fantasies, and well thought out plans of benevolent giving. Now, we all return to...
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