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  • Writer's pictureLouisville X-Press Staff

Russian Soldiers Celebrate Capture of Chernobyl by Vomiting Profusely, Losing Hair

Russian forces have captured the defunct Ukrainian nuclear power plant at Chernobyl, site of the single largest nuclear disaster in human history. The on-site forces have begun celebrating their victory (of the Russian army's few so far) by vomiting profusely, shedding their hair in large patches and general disorientation.

Russian Spoils of War

"We must have gotten a little carried away with our celebrations, I'm so hungover!" said a Russian soldier who has not consumed a single drop of alcohol since combat began. "Everything is spinning, and I can't stop puking!"

There's been a steady flow of traffic to and from the latrines established by the occupying forces. Some men are so overtaken by cheer that they've been found unconscious in and around the latrines.

One Russian commander began explaining next steps to the men under his command, but began to well, shit his pants during the briefing and then started asking men at random if anyone has seen his dog. He wandered off, leaving a trail and has not been seen since.

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