Louisville X-Press Staff
Poorly Equipped Russian Forces to Deploy Chemical Weapons in Ukraine
With advances stalling on all fronts, the extensive loss of personnel and equipment, and no sign of a "quick end." The beleaguered Russian forces in Ukraine have made the decision to bring chemical weapons to bear in an attempt to break the stalemate.
Intelligence on the field indicates, however, that like their overall military capabilities the Russian chemical weapon stockpile may have been exaggerated.
Soon-to-be KIA Major General Anatoly Stanislav Aleksandrov spoke to reporters in the field, "Don't let the colorful packaging fool you, this is nasty stuff. See, it says right there - 'keep out of mouth and eyes.' If any of those pesky Ukrainians come around here, we'll spritz'em, real good."
The Major General pulled the trigger, misting the air as a show of strength, making 'pew pew' noises with his mouth while he did. "And it comes in lemon scent, which will be good to help cover the smell of our, er, the dead."
The Russians risk more sanctions and international backlash by bringing these tools into the war, but after extensive study of the chemicals being prepped for use, most world leaders just shrugged and decided to let them have this one.