Oxmoor Topgolf Unveils Punishing New Design After Legal Victory
Following last weeks legal victory, Topgolf executives held a press conference unveiling concepts designs for the upcoming location at Oxmoor Center. The new designs include multiple massive omni-directional floodlight fixtures and concert style sound systems along with other features designed to "overwhelm" the senses. After countless delays and community opposition, the recent court ruling allows them to move ahead with the plans.
"The light fixtures will cast artificial, blinding light in all directions. Much like what you'd see at a night game for a MLB or NFL game," said Topgolf Chief Operating Officer Mark Stamper. "Patrons, of course, will be shielded from the harshest affects, but the light the fixtures will stay on 24 hours a day, seven days a week."
When asked about the speakers Stamper said, "Whenever a new game begins, ends, a point is scored, a point is almost scored, or if no points are scored at all, the speakers will sound off with celebratory blast. Similar to what you hear during a storm warning. Or maybe some Death Metal, we're still deciding."
While the sounds will be heard by players, the speakers will be directed outwards into the surrounding areas of the property, as a clear reminder to all who are near just how much fun is being had at Topgolf.
On top of the overpowered sound system, every time a game is completed, a 40 minute fireworks display will commence. Stamper said that planners proudly referred to the fireworks show as "deafening" and dubbed the display the "Sirens of Oxmoor" due to it's propensity for triggering car alarms within a one-mile radius.
"We really want the surrounding residents, to know just how much fun and commerce that Topgolf is bringing to the area. We don't want them to forget that we're here. That we'll let no one prevent us from bringing our unique brand of entertainment to Oxmoor Center. We won't be stopped. No matter what," added Stamper.
When asked by a tearful resident why the plans appeared to have several of the lights and speakers aimed almost directly at the windows and yards of nearby homes, Stamper ended the press conference with, "Because f*ck you, that's why."