Louisville X-Press Staff
Local Conspiracy Theorist Proves Louisville is Flat
Local barista and amateur conspiracy theorist, Lance Corkin has finally put the debate to rest. Through thorough observation and investigative research, Corkin believes he’s proven beyond a doubt that the city of Louisville is indeed flat, and not curved on the surface of the Earth as most people believe.
Lance explained to a couple while making their lattes, “I could go on about how when the sewer district is laying new pipes or sewer lines, their always perfectly straight, and never with a slight curve like logic would suggest.”
“I could point out the simple fact that I’ve stood on rooftop bar, looked every which way, and it all looks flat to me,” he continued to a coworker who was texting during the whole conversation.
“The real proof, the REAL proof, is in the river.” Referencing the Ohio River, Lance continued, “Like every coffee I pour, it’s level. Like, all the time. If Louisville was all curvy, wouldn’t liquid be curvy on the surface too? And floods! That thing is always flooding, which makes sense if it’s all flat! Pour a bunch of water on a flat surface, and it just spreads out and spills in every direction. If Louisville was curvy, the excess water would just flow with curve and never flood. But it doesn’t! It floods all the time!”
Lance’s Manager had no comment, but did remind Lance to restock the lids and stir sticks at the bar before his ride came to take him back to his parents house where he resides.
Lance then hit us with his coup de grâce, “You’re all sheeple who just need to wake up and see the world with woke eyes and quit believing the lies that mainstream media and government are feeding you. Just think about it, ya know.”