top of page
  • Writer's pictureLouisville X-Press Staff

Kentucky Lawmakers Confused When No Protesting Teachers Appear Sick

Updated: May 11, 2019

After the fourth day of protests in the State Capitol in Frankfort, several key lawmakers have begun to notice some peculiarities among the throngs of protesters.

“I’m not sure any of them are actually sick” said a confused Rep. George Dell. He noted that there were no noses being blown or wet, phlegmy coughs. “After hearing that conditions were so bad among JCPS teachers, all the illnesses, they’ve had to close schools again, I was expecting this place to resemble some TB ward. We’ll I’ll be…”

Violently ill protesters
Crowds of teachers embrace their illnesses and march on the capital

Rep. Michelle Canter echoed those thoughts when looking at crowds, chanting and waving their signs. “I can’t say it’s a totally unpleasant surprise, I thought the chants would be overly nasally and be interrupted by coughing fits. But I don’t even see any red noses.”

Canter, who came in through a side entrance to avoid contracting whatever bug is going around from the mass of sickies who were too ill teach class the fourth day in two weeks. “Well, I hope they feel better soon.”

Rep. Josie Dell had this to say, “Maybe it’s, you know,” Dell whistled while holding her hand just below her chin and pointed downward, then whispered “stomach problems, like, backdoor business.” She continues, “I mean, I haven’t actually heard what it is that’s going around, but it must be rough stuff to shut down the whole operation. That would explain why I don’t hear any of the sniffles and coughs I was expecting.”

Dell began to doubt her own assertion when noticing there was no smell in the atrium, which would have helped to confirm her hypothesis.

Building custodian Jay Wolfe confirmed Dell’s assumption was unlikely given the relative lack of traffic to the restrooms. “I had extra guys on call when I saw the size of the group, knowing they were sick I was expecting some plumbing issues, ya know? TP supply problems, overflows, the inevitable ‘code brown’. So far though, it’s been a pretty normal day.”

Wolfe shrugged and pointed to the toothpaste he has smeared generously under his nose, a tactic used to mask the stench death in disaster zones. “False alarm, I guess.”

When asked directly how she was feeling, an unidentified but enthusiastic teacher shouted, “Great, the turnout is amazing, so much energy in the room! We won’t, no, we can’t leave until our voices are heard and our demands met! The future of Kentucky’s education system is at stake.” When asked if these stakes granted her the resolve to overcome her violent illness and make the drive to Frankfort, she responded with a simple “Sure,” and an eye roll and resumed waving her ‘Say No to HB 525” sign.

Another responded only with a curt “Seriously?” offering no further comment.

Rep. Tim Torres had a different thought, “Maybe these are the healthy ones, just taking advantage of the school closing.” His staff nodded along, trying to make sense of what they were seeing. “I mean, that’s pretty lucky for them, we’re about to destroy any hope they had for a meaningful retirement and gut the public school as we know it. This was eerily good timing, getting so many days off right when some major decisions are being made that impact them directly. Weird.”

13 views0 comments
bottom of page