Animal Shelters Prepare for Influx of Unwanted, Abandoned Leprechauns

"It's unfortunate, but it happens every year," said Sheila Howser, director of the East Louisville Animal Shelter. "St. Patrick's day comes and all these parents think it will be really cute and fun to get their kids a leprechaun, but of course, they do zero research first."

Sheila was kind enough to talk to us while placing her order for wrought iron pots and gold coins the incoming leprechauns will rely on for sustenance. "It doesn't help that all those stupid pet stores stock up and advertise the hell out of how amazing leprechauns are, but they leave out all the care they require. Gold, green beer, the costs add up." Sheila shakes her head, "Not to mention they are notoriously difficult to train, and they shit everywhere. Oh, and they cuss like sailors, so they aren't even good for kids. Plus, most of the store-bought leprechauns come from 'leprechaun mills', so they look ok in the store but most of them are inbred and riddled with health problems that haven't presented yet."

"They only smell like clover when they're freshly washed, which they don't do themselves. After a couple of days, your house will smell like a peat bog. Sure you can just bathe them yourself, but imagine trying to bathe and large dog that absolutely hates it, now imagine that dog also has thumbs, punches you in the dick, and says uncouth things about your mom. No one wants to bathe these things."

"Sure the dancing is cute at first, but then you realize it's not a cute little 'trick' they do, it's just their default state of being. It never stops, all hours of the night, and they only sleep when you go to work so there's no real relief. And the Irish fiddle music that just plays non-stop whenever they're around! I don't know where it comes from, it's just in the air, but drives people crazy when they sober up and realize it doesn't stop. Ever. Even when they die it still lingers for a few days, just gets more somber."

Sheila told us despite their best efforts to rehome, most of the leprechauns brought to the shelter are ultimately euthanized. "The demand doesn't extend past the first half of March. No one is clamoring for a leprechaun in October. Sure the skins make good Halloween costumes, but that practice got outlawed, thank God..."