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  • Writer's pictureLouisville X-Press Staff

A Modest Proposal...

As of this writing, 653 children and teens have been killed by guns and more than 1,600 injured just in 2022. Even if you find stats lower than that, I'm confident the reality will catch up in short order. Little-to-nothing is being done on a national level, as conservatives will just point to the constitution and note the 2nd Amendment. The law is the law after all and people need their guns for gun stuff. If children must be made to suffer and die, so be it. How's the saying go? "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots..." Well, thank you, tiny patriots! Your families will be honored for their sacrifice! Or accused of faking the whole thing under a false flag operation, whichever ensures our freedom to buy more guns.

Many from that same conservative camp, however, will under no circumstances tolerate the death of children still living at home, assuming that home is their mom's uterus. I presume the logic being that if only the 4th grader had been exercising their God-given right to be armed they could defend themselves whereas a fetus lacks the dexterity.

As such, due to a recent leak, it's been strongly suggested that the conservative-leaning Supreme Court will be overturning Roe v. Wade (because "the law is the law after all" only applies to protecting deadly inanimate objects). Decades of established legal precedent are about to be changed because finally, someone is thinking about the children!*

*Restrictions apply.

This presents another problem, though liberals loathe seeing children gunned down while practicing their lower case q's, they want to retain the option to evict those children still living in utero. Liberals simply prefer to do the deed in a controlled medical environment by a licensed professional, weird right?

So both sides agree that the wholesale slaughter of children is ok, but the disagreement seems to lie with timing and methods.

You might say, "But conservatives don't 'want' children to get shot, they just don't care enough to do anything about it if it means inconveniencing them in the slightest or coming between them and their sweet, sweet guns! After all, we need our guns to protect ourselves from whack jobs with guns! And being armed keeps the government in check!" It is hard to argue with that, since 2015 only 5,000+ people have been shot by the government (via the police), who knows how much higher that number would have been had it not been our brave NRA boys keeping our streets safe from the government.

You might also say, "But liberals don't 'want' abortions, they just want the option to hit the undo button after rape or a medical scenario that will most likely end with them dead or living a life in which the child would only wish they were. At the very least, they just want sovereignty over their bodies." But these points are folly as everyone knows that "rape" can't result in pregnancy unless the woman secretly wanted it, and with that skirt, she totally did. You had your fun, now raise that baby. As far as body sovereignty, I mean, you know, read a bible.

A solution to this puzzle I think that all sides will find a middle ground on is this: abortions can remain fully legal and available to anyone who wants one, so long as the abortion is performed with an AR-15 by a licensed professional.

It's a win-win! The liberals get to keep their precious abortions nice and legal, and conservatives can sleep better knowing that those unborn babes are being put down in a way that they find more congruent with their values.

This checks all the boxes!

Liberals get to keep their freedom of choice!

Conservatives get to keep their guns!

Children, teens, and adults will still die by the thousands every year!

God Bless America!

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